Please Help Laundryman find Love!

Oh please Missy Zelda,

Ling Wong ask Missy Platter marry and she say, "No, Ling cute but too old for me," which Ling very discourage about. Ling hope Missy Zelda tell Missy Platter see how good couple we make lookee togever and she reconsidah. After all Ling look younger than man twice his age.

Ling Wong sick and tired living with Mad Jack, his feets big and smell bad, also kick Ling like mule in bed at night. Missy Platter have small feets, like Sacred Lotus Blossom, and so far she no kick Ling. Also Missy Platter make unending surply Fijian drink, kava, which make Ling feel like young man of 50 again. Maybe we make family together, as Ling feeling need to be ancestor to someone.

Make column say, "Missy Platter say yes to Ling Wong proposal of marriage" and maybe she think about. You help Ling Wong get girl, yes? Ling Wong then help you and come to cafe and wash your laundry for you, half price! Worth your while!

Thank you verry much,
Ling Wong
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Dear Ling,

Letters to the "Agony Aunt" are supposed to be sent anonymously, but since there's only one Chinaman and one Polynesian in Funk's Inlet I suppose it makes no difference. By the second sentence everyone in town would know who had written the letter anyway.

It's sad but girls of 23 are not generally attracted to men of 81, even ones as well-preserved and sprightly as you. If you were 31 you would have a much better chance of attaining the hand of the beautiful Poo-Po in marriage. As is I expect all you might get is a pat on the head and, if she's in a generous mood, a kiss on the cheek.

However, having written that, my crystal ball started vibrating madly, and looking in I see that Miss Platter may not be all that adverse to an 81-year-old suitor such as yourself, a bona-fide Canadian citizen with a savings account and the longing for a large and active family around you to comfort you in your declining years.

Yes, the picture in the ball is becoming clearer all the time. I see you and Poo-Po at a large table, and every chair filled with a child! You do not look as happy as one might expect, and if you persist in your quest you may very well get more than you bargained (or hoped) for. Don't say I didn't warn you!

Zelda

Religious Advice from Guest Columnist Sister Emma Entvistler

Dear Funk’s Inlet board of Tourism & Recreation,

Do short, ugly Canadian Nuns wear black like U.S. Nuns?

Just thought I'd ask before packing for an upcoming trip to FUNK'S INLET.

Thanks.

A Nun
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Dear Sister,

Black!! I should say not - or at least not in our more progressive orders! Canadian Nuns who venture out into the world, as opposed to cloistered orders, became tired of being chased along our shorelines by over-enthusiastic killer whales, intent on a penguin dinner. Of course those Canadian Nuns who belong to international orders dress like Nuns everywhere, that is to say, in the proper costume of their order! Those orders which are entirely Canadian dress in whatever costume is decreed by sensibility and their superiors - to wit:

The Little Sisters of Petulance (the teaching order) wear a white habit, topped by a red and white checked wimple. The guimpe, which modestly covers them from shoulder to hipbone is of moderate gauge aluminum siding, in one of three colors, depending on the Sister's standing within the order. Noviates wear poplar, postulates beech and those who have taken the permanent vow, oak. Footwear is left to the discretion of the Sister, as long as it does not involve platform soles or open-toed sling-back pumps of a garish colour.

The Contentious Sisters of Flatulance (one of our beloved basket-weaving, bee-keeping orders) wear a fish-net wimple, Navy sequined habit and willow-work guimpe with silk flowers in a a variety of colors. Novitiates are confined to poppies and violets, postulates wear roses and petunias, those who have taken the permanent vow wear hyacinths and lily-of-the-valley. Hip-waders are an optional winter item among this order, though in the summer many Flatulent Sisters prefer to go barefoot.

The Unhinged Sisters of Luminousity wear an appealing canary-yellow habit, embroidered over all with writhing flagons and escutchens in prayer. The wimple is shoulder-length in this order, and due to the ornate character of the habit, it is kept to a sedate neon lime colour. The guimpe of this order is difficult to describe, but consists of a series of interlocking metallic rings hammered together into a roughly triangular shape. The longest 'arm' of the triangle extends behind the Sister and is often somewhat of a hindrance to her progress in a strong wind. Footwear in this order consists of either patent leather pumps with diamond clips or soft Chinese slippers of the type worn by martial artists.

The Inordinante Sisters of Bashfulness are a cloistered order and therefore confine themselves to very plain and simple clothing. Occasionally Sisters of this order can be found selling vegetables from their substantial garden at the farmer's market. For this type of more public activity these Sisters adopt a more traditional model of dress and wear the typical black Nun's costume, set apart only by the entire absence of the wimple, which reveals their tonsured hair. The habit attains magnificent proportions, reaching the ankles. The guimpe is starched white terry cloth and reaches the width of the shoulders, falling to the waist where it is secured in place by a bowie knife. Shoes in this order are plain black oxfords with metal toe caps and cleats.

Our local mission, the Mystical Light, is staffed by members of the Merciful Sisters of Fudd. Sadly the number of Merciful Sisters have been greatly reduced this past year by an unfortunate rash of snake-bites and bee-stings, and at the moment only the Mother Superior, Sister Anne, is left, though she is praying for new recruits. The Merciful Sisters wear traditional black habits (leather - with studs), with white wimpole and guimpe, and carry riding crops and silver-plated dog whistles. Jackboots complete the ensemble, a very practical touch considering the snake problem.

I do hope this quick guide to Nun's wear in Canada enables you to pack with aplomb. Of course I should not fail to mention that those Nuns who are truly ugly and of unusual shortness should stick entirely to the 11th century costumes ordained by Mother Church and generations of similarly homely Sisters. Covering oneself thouroughly in such circumstances is a kindness one can always be perfectly confident in pursuing.

Yours truly,

Sister Emma Entvistler
Canadian Office of Religious Tourism
Funk’s Inlet Office